|When I started this entry I had a lot more to say. I felt a lot more passionate about exploring the idea of feeling sentimental, and watching that feeling get pissed on by T1 (see 'So Pretty. So Ugly.'). I guess in the end it's not something I am really feeling put out by ~ Life Goes OM. Another idea I wanted to explore involved the fact that B and I had taken a mushroom each before we left to go to the function mentioned there. I guess it's possible that suddenly things might make a little more sense. Now. Looking back. In light of that. Perhaps. It seemed like such a good idea on paper. Or what was it again? Some kind of situation. Not sure. It might need a bit of explaining.|
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|It had something to do with knowing there was a thing going on and feeling the usual pangs of resistance sinking their claws in. Some 'Social Anxiety'. What are we going to do with ourselves in all of that? Feeling all of that social discomfort. Being in a situation that you can't really help yourself in, and gravitating inevitably towards doing something as a means of comfort... Drinking Coffee. Eating Sweets. Chips. Cake. Alcohol. Stuff that's no good. Stuff that's meant to be off the list of options. Stuff that leads to regret.|
Well. As a tool to help navigate all that the mushrooms definitely did the trick. They provided enough of a distraction to not feel a need to get more distracted. There are some other things. To start it wasn't anything heroic dose wise, about a gram if that; less than half of what you'd need to start seeing the walls breath. And we are still in the figuring stuff out phase; how much; how often. Trying to: 'Get the Balance Right'. What's enough to make a difference? What's not so much that you decide you'd rather not be using them?
Is this the part where I get into giving you a speech about that? Getting into doing this and doing that, getting into all the detail? Time for an update? Telling you what it seems like what works best. Getting into what are the effects, whether there's a difference on an ongoing basis Life Wise. Mind Wise. Dream World Wise. Well. I didn't really want to get into any of that right now. It's all there but it's a little boring. That picture might look a whole lot more interesting a little further down the line so. For now. Let's leave that part of it at that.
There were moments of clear light, a light in which things could be seen more clearly, things that had been there the whole time but had not for some reason been seen before. For example; we have a nephew; A2; this is T1's son. He is about nineteen now and sits a bit awkwardly in the picture in that socially he is more inclined towards feeling the way we feel as opposed to how the rest of the family feel. They are how might you say, less inhibited?
What felt like something I could see more clearly now than I had before was that this similarity existed and because it existed we could, we should, probably try to play a more active role in making him feel comfortable having moved down here quite recently. The backstory involves him having lived with his father (T1's first husband) for the last few years. With his father he hadn't managed to get around to finishing high school so he was being forced to move down here to get him to finish it.
Another thing was the idea that as much as it is you who is under the influence it does seem to bring about an altered state or a behavioral effect on those around you. We were sitting around and all this talk was going on and people singing happy birthday to T1's daughter (A1) when things started to feel all sorts of manic like in that scene from Jacobs Ladder where all the guys are going nuts not knowing what they are doing running around killing each other.
And how it's not just a case of the people around you who start acting a bit weird, a bit different to how they usually behave it's the actual environment that starts to interfere in a way that it wouldn't usually interfere. Reality paused for a moment back there. The pause involved someone spotting a spider on the ceiling. It was huge, a rain spider. It felt like all the weird that was going on in the people a few moments before had climbed out of the people and crawled onto the ceiling.
All I could do was marvel at it, marvel at the magnificence of it. I felt the burden of forced social interaction, social expectation suddenly disperse as the attention being paid to each other shifted to paying attention to this piece of greatness manifest as an insect with more legs than it knew what to do with. It took a moment for the situation to sink in. The spell broke when someone else saw the spider and hastily exited the room. Clearly my reverence was not being felt by others that were present. I realized she was in danger.
I stepped up on a chair then and caught her in a glass container, cradled her in it and took her away. We took a walk outside and I set her free in a bush in the darkness somewhere. She gingerly stepped out of the container and onto a branch and I felt relief that she did not appear to be harmed. For a while I stood there and continued to admire, the moonlight lighting up this large miracle of creation. For a moment everything felt like it was okay. For a moment everything felt like it would work out just fine. For a moment the world paused and there was nothing to worry about anymore.
Anansi was here and would take care of everything.