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Ouroboros.

Sometimes I feel a little uncomfortable, mostly all the time but especially when I look around and see what it looks like the world is doing to itself. What it looks like we are doing to it. It’s not very pretty. But I like to think I try to understand; try to think that somewhere somehow what’s going on makes sense, as senseless and stupid as it all is. And try to get out of that space that involves pointing fingers and accusing everything outside of me as the cause of it all. And along comes this symbol, that snake that eats its tail. And I can see it, how that thing that underlies all life is a force, an energy, a pattern that extends over a vast period of time and, that it’s only possible for it to exist if it does swallow its own tail and, how that looks on the surface, on this level, at the level that exists as a consequence of it (the force), how it looks is painful, it looks like we eat each other, everything eats everything.

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The Word.

So just what the hell was I expecting? I’m here at this point and putting all this stuff online, typing out on the computer stuff that I've written. There’s a bit of a lag so on the computer I’m typing out stuff that’s a couple of pages back. I've gotten to the point where I write about a book I’m reading, ‘Ayahuasca’. I’m back and forthing in my head over what it is I feel compelled to get involved with psychedelics / teacher plants again for. It’s a bit of a cross-roads situation. I’m not feeling very reassured considering my track record, and what impressions I’m getting from the book I read. Well, that’s not completely accurate. What I’m wondering about is if I do resume with that work what I need to be careful of not doing, which is to get all me-centric about it.

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Daydream #2.

I get such a bad taste in my mouth after putting stuff like that down on paper. I’m not sure anything ever put down on paper about drugs can ever sound like it makes sense. And putting something down now doesn't seem like a good idea anyway, it might make more sense once I’m in the thick of it. Something I did want to put down that I feel quite excited about. A couple of pages back I wrote about a daydream / fantasy. I guess that was something that came out of the afterglow of being out Hermanus way on holiday. It’s also a question of having something to work towards, something to look forward to, a future to look forward to, I mean, a future that doesn't involve having to work in an office. A future we hopefully won’t have to.

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Meditation vs Psychedelics.

One thing that came out of it from a couple of angles was where drugs fit in at an outdoor party, and considering the angle I was coming from whether one could argue that the drugs were an effective way to achieve anything, versus what you are trying to achieve with a meditation practice. T**** mentioned her meditation teacher saying drugs were a way of cheating at trying to achieve what you are trying to achieve with meditation. At the time I brushed the comment aside, feeling like it was an attempt to derail my train of thought while trying to answer a question, and her feeling threatened / defensive about me using the meditation angle to help explain what it was I was trying to say.

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Psytrance Parties; a Meditation.

Last Friday, two nights ago, we had a bit of a get together. We visited with my parents, Uncle D, and my sister and her boyfriend (T**** and D****). I think B had brought up psytrance parties in response to some of the music I had put on. T**** responded by asking what we thought the point of going to them was. Things got a bit noisy what with Uncle D being around, and the conversation in general going all over the place. It was a few hours later I felt that perhaps I could try to answer her question. It’s not something I can say I feel really passionate about, we've gone to a couple in the distant past but not any really recently.

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Red, Blue and Green Dreams.

In the dream last / this morning I’m at a smallholding type place, and in touch with a guy that works there, a black guy. The place is in a bit of a mess and this guy is helping me get it in better shape. I have this image in my head of an enclosure being used to grow food which might be a little run over. He’s telling me he can do something better with it but I get the feeling it doesn't belong to us / this property – it belongs to the neighbor. Reason I know what condition it’s in is because the enclosure is next to a fence that borders this property. He’s also telling me what he likes about me – that I don’t have any pretensions about being who I am (!), that I’m not shy to acknowledge there are jobs I cannot do – that I’m too lazy to do (!!) which of course isn't true at all – I’d never admit to being like that even though I know it’s the truth.

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The Sound of Love.

About “we each must remember that in this life we are all bound together and grow through the force called love”. Sigh. Maybe I’m not completely sure what that means. Maybe what I think it means is another point / source of conflict and adds further fuel to my feelings of contempt towards Joan’s book. What I think it means involves people, human beings, and the relationships between them, feelings of respect, understanding, trust, all sorts of nice stuff. It’s all about people, it’s all about how we treat each other. One of the things that make me sick to my stomach living on this planet involves how much we emphasize our entitlement above the entitlement of everything else that also happens to be here.

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'Ayahuasca' by Joan Parisi Wilcox.

Last nights dream involved Brett. We were with a tour company on a bus, travelling somewhere that had many trees, many large trees. Brett was seriously into climbing large trees and wanted to find one to climb. There was a section of the dream the two of us were messing around trying to climb a large tree. There was another section of the dream about being on the bus, and needing to dispose of some trash. I think we were being encouraged by the African driver / organizer to throw a lot of stuff over the side of the road and down the side of a hill we had pulled over on. I think I felt a pang of guilt being involved in doing something like that. I think there might have been an idea of someone coming along to clean up all of it. I don’t think I bought into that idea very much.

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Daydream / Fantasy.

Part of my self-indulgent outlook for this trip involved acquiring something sort of sacred, or at the very least something of spiritual significance. There was a place in Knysna that sells singing bowls, crystals and shamanic drums that I thought we could check out and find something at maybe, or at Funky Vibes in Hermanus. We never managed to get to those places but we did manage to make a turn at Papagayo in Knysna. We were meant to pick up some clothes from there or something, at least have a look around etc. There was this or that shirt, a jacket perhaps, and B looked at a bag, I looked at some hammocks but it was all rather a little much for our budget.

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Hot Spring.

In the dream this time we were at a house, I think it might have belonged to T*** (another sister)(and R******? (her husband)) It was really close to the beach, the sea. There was some drama about being in a car with D**** (sisters boyfriend). He’d driven it too close to a cliff and it seemed it might topple over into the sea. He said I was being dramatic and I asked if he wanted dramatic? And then I walked off. He seemed to be managing to push the car back on to the road. There was a part involving him being on the phone, I was quite shocked it was so modern. Something futuristic. There was something going on about him having a phone like that, something all deceptive and wrong.

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Complicated and Confusing.

Very bloody dream. Something to do with some drama involving David Duchovney’s wife in Californication. She’d been stabbed repeatedly by Carlos from Desperate Housewives. In the dream I had insight as to why and how that had happened. Also, how he made it look like someone else had done it. There was a thing going on about how to encrypt messages into pizza. There was also a part involving Uncle D and how he’d crashed the Uno; one of the cars my parents have. He was still alive in the car but not by very much. In the dream I had insight as to how that might have happened etc. It was a really incredibly violent crash, the car had been driven down a very steep hill and at the end of it been launched from an embankment of sorts. It almost looked like it had been done on purpose.

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On the Road Again.

The dream started off with being in a platoon doing formation. You know how the sergeant gets that you just can’t do the maneuver right / next thing you know it’s an opfok to punish you for not doing it right. One of the guys couldn't take it anymore so he left, went to join another platoon that was not permanent force. He created a bit of drama. Once the PF got back from drills the ranks went to check out this bungalow of the not PF guys, the guy that had left had turned informant and some corrupt ranks were being inspected. There was a thing going on about being able to get into a particular bungalow, the ranks inside weren't opening it up etc. But we managed to get in in the end. I got the impression this guy that left and turned informant reminded me of a guy I knew in school – Michael. I can’t remember the detail of another dream except that a part of it involved another friends (A***) mother (B****). We were trying to speak to her but I think she had gotten past the point of being able to understand what was going on around her.

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Hogsback.

The drumming circle incident... How this ended up going made me “feel like a fool”. The idea seemed simple enough. Now I had had this thing going on in the back of my mind involving the upcoming trip to Hermanus next week, how it could be a physical experience of an internal reality. There was also some kind of idea involving how to emphasize this process, this journey, by punctuating it with various landmarks. Might need to cover that ground a bit more thoroughly; So the whales doing their thing right now is an example of a landmark, there being a full moon tonight / last night is another example, so there’s a timing thing going on, that it’s the beginning of spring as well etc. Another possibility that came up was them having a drum circle going on last Friday night.

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Road Trip.

But that’s not the dream that attracted my attention. And there were a couple that were worth paying attention to. I can’t even remember much of the detail, there was just a moment I remember spent examining / closely inspecting my mother’s neck, in reality she’d come down with some bug and wasn't feeling very well. On her neck was a bit of a welt going on, the more closely I looked the bigger it got, turned into quite the nasty looking lump, some kind of growth. The dream freaked me out. She is 60 something, smokes a lot. Doesn't really look after herself very much, takes a lot of pills, antibiotics every couple or months for this or that sick feeling.

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Dreams and Drugs.

The whales are coming, we are going on holiday. At some point previously there had been this idea, of there being a parallel between (a shamanic journey? pathworking? astral projection?), some sort of esoteric experience and the physical experience of travelling, going away (among other kinds of physical experience*). So there I was getting all sorts of fancy about it, thinking I should prepare for it, set it up so that this thing was also sort of an attempt at that thing. There was some stuff that was going on before, some stuff that will probably go on during, and some stuff that will go on after. Then the before stuff started getting messy... Somehow I struggled to get my head around it.

Something to do with Dreams and Drugs.

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The Fool.

What was this meant to be, how was this meant to go? There was a story somewhere in there, something with structure and something worth telling. Now, not so much anymore. Tonight was a mess of words that involved complaining. Something to do with how things never work out the way I was hoping, asking why the hell this always has to happen. It’s a pity, considering the romantic intention. In my head I had it all worked out quite perfectly. So it’s a new beginning. It’s another new beginning. September 19 is the start of spring so there’s that. Way back then at some point the story was still quite interesting. Just before that there was the three weeks worth of being ill thing happening.

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Life After Death.

Too much going on. Cant keep up. Sad thing is there seems to be so much worth it to write. So about a month ago my sister (T****) and her boyfriend (D****) moved in. It’s a temporary thing until they do, if they do, find their bearings down here. They come from Jhb. If it wasn't mentioned before we are somewhere close to the Garden Route now. My mother also moved here a few months ago, she bought a house with a cottage that I live in with B. T**** & D**** stay in the house with mom. I did want to spend some time wallowing in self-pity in this entry. Something about feeling a bit overwhelmed, something to do with feeling lost. Some kind of reflection on the where the world seems to be headed, how the last thing it seems to need is words, words, and, more words. How many words there already seem to be. How quickly things fade despite being interesting. That sort of evolves into a what am I bothering with this journal for thing. I need to get that out my system once and for all, some kind of validation complex; recognition. It’s a dairy, not an aspiring best-seller, get over it, move on.

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In Tention.

We'd picked up some warm drinks from Mc'Donalds and made our way to an area somewhere close to where we'd be living in the not too distant future. I pulled the car up on to the pavement facing an empty field, and off in the distance we could watch as they continued to work on building a new shopping center. We were doing this more and more recently, as excitement grew in anticipation of our move here - to a new home. It's still two months before we move in but mom moves here in a months time so we will have access to the place quite soon.

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S**** T****.

Sometime in November last year. We had a Curandero (S**** T****) over from Peru or something, hallucinogenic tourism? tourism comes to you. The experience left a bad taste in my mouth, what I paid wise. Some detractors would try have me believe being ripped off was my own doing. Reason being I missed the first evening. I was lead to believe a "tolerance dose" would be administered on the Friday, so when I pitched up and couldn't find anyone I didn't feel too pained about just going to bed. The tolerance dose turned out to be where it was at. There were other things, maybe I will go into them later.

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Will Write For.





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